It turns out the cancer I had was Merkel Cell Carcinoma. A rare form of agressive skin cancer that primarily affects people in their 70's. The journey would go on to include another surgery which created a skin graph and biopsied some lymph nodes to determine if the cancer had metastasized. The end result was that the cancer had not spread throughout my body. However, I will not have another clean bill of health for 5 years and significant scaring to my thigh, groin and belly (another biopsy on a tumour).
Cancer has impacted my life significantly. What I once took for granted, I can no longer afford to. Part of the reason this blog was created was to challenge what assumptions about myself and life I held onto that I can no longer hold true. I would like to say that I am a better person since the cancer, but I think the jury is still out on this one. I am stronger emotionally than I was in the past. However, I am here today thanks to a lot of people who have helped me to deal and cope with the experiences and emotions this journey created. I will always be grateful for the time and energy spent listening, explaining and visiting. That part of the journey was by far the most helpful and has continued to impact my daily routine.
This post is not without it's challenge, however. Because the purpose of this blog is to help me create a snapshot of this year, this anniversary deserves to be included.
Here is a list of some of the things that were helpful to me during the last year:
Movies:
-Bucket List- During the movie, there is a scene where Morgan Freeman is faced with the initial news of his cancer. His face when he gets the call, was a defining moment for me. Somehow I was able to identify with his facial reaction the most because I had been there just a few months before I saw the movie. I have to admit the first time I saw this movie, I bawled my eyes out. Good thing I was at home alone. I think I went through a box of tissues.
-Hope Floats- Okay, it's a chick flick. However, to me there is some merit in the movie at the end where the theme of the movie is revealed that still resonates with me. Somehow hope always floats up. I don't know if it makes sense to anyone else, but to me it does. I didn't cry with this one but I did pause to think about it's message.
Music:
Chad Brownlee's "Hope"- He's a local country artist. The song is sort of self-explanatory. For those that haven't heard it, I have attached a link (thanks to you-tube):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3FECvlzTu8
John Mayer's "Say"- The theme song from Bucket List. This song is also sort of self-explanatory. For those that haven't heard it, here is the link (thanks you-tube):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gt58Z_XuGe4
Katy Perry's "Firework"- Again rather self-explanatory and a little more recent than the other songs. This song kept playing in my mind when I had to go for a follow up appointment, test results were coming back indicating a different outcome and I underwent another biopsy. For those that haven't heard it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGJuMBdaqIw
Last but not least, the scars. I've learned scars heal. My leg looks a lot different than it did a year ago. This has been the hardest part of the journey for me. A skin graph takes daily moisturizing which forces you to deal with the harsh realities every day. I understand that I could have been a lot worse off. I'm not denying that. I am being honest. Scars are scary things. The healing process will take years and will take daily care for the rest of my life. However, not is all bad. I can still walk, work and exercise.
I have included the latest picture of my skin graph into this post. It is below. I would like to use the picture next year to determine the healing progress I have made. If you would like to see, please feel free. However, don't say I didn't warn you. I still have some family members who refuse to look at the scars because it is quite noticeable. Here in lies the latest challenge: this is by far the most personal post that I have ever or ever will make again. However, I am going on the notion this is part of the healing process and that by this time next year, the scars will be even better looking than they are now.
Thanks for reading this long post
Lynn
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